Sunday, June 2, 2013

So kind as one. Ps HBD CMAN KUROSH

Hey you. I'm glad that you're going to be able to feed yourself now. This weekend is still the weekend, but it started Friday with the end of "Bike to Work Week" in Nanaimo and yours truly in the marimba band played front and ... to the left. It was fun.

Saturday was dedicated to making Cyrus a cake and that just ended.. well it ended weirdly. But want to see the cake anyways?

That being said, today was dedicated to cleaning up and reading this book I got out of the library a little bit ago. It's called "The kindly ones" by Jonathan Littell. He's originally a french author, but this book was so well received that it was translated in a couple languages, and blessed be the English speakers, i am one to read it.  It's classified as historical fiction and centers around/ is narrated by this former SS officer who was present during some of the major events of the Holocaust and War. It's interesting and I'm really enjoying it so far. But of course daunting, because you are forever reminded that it's a 900 page book and this weird sensation in your forehead just nags on and on, like that "really? I'm reading this? Are you fucking kidding me? ".

In any case, this thought was brought up in the first section that is still lingering in my mind. One line that goes something along the lines of,  "They took our right away to whether we wanted to kill or not. They didn't ask us, and it was a choice that was taken away from me and others." And it later enforced (and will probably will be a thousand times more in the book seeing it's in a War Time theme) where an officer is told that 1000 Jews will have to be killed in reaction of 1000 blah blah blahs being killed. The Officer just took this and it completely made him go crazy in "how are we going to do this?" type of thing. He was also drunk and apparently sick. But still. 

This is a super interesting thought concerning war, at least for me. Because I believe at least, that the majority of people entering in the chaos of war, don't really, like really know what they are getting themselves into until they get into that point of no return and bam! In a blind of an eye, you've taken the life of another away (for various reasons of course) and for the rest of your life, you are trying to disassociate yourself from that aspect of death. 

Which brings up this whole other point of, disassociating yourself from death. Ten minutes ago I just watched a couple minutes of this video concerning the illegal fur trade in China and how they skinned live animals. In this one scene, the raccoon dog thing, skinned alive, mustered up his last bits of strength to look the people in the eyes. It was chilling and now I'm feeling really unsettled. Really unsettled and I'm feeling the need to talk to someone about this (I just texted Cyrus to come onto skype whenever he has time) but in the mean time I'll use this as an outlet. 

I understand that death is just another aspect of life, I believe it should celebrated to a point, but respected? If that makes sense... I don't know. Point is, today I feel like dissociating myself from it. I want to close my eyes and just make it dissapear. But I know that's not healthy nor is it right. I'm flimsy with character and this is really tearing me up. People die each day (thankfully no one close to me) and I'm just trying to find that balance of how I life my life, how I eat my meat (or not eat) and how I regard the end of it all. Do you ever think about it? Ever freak out or have any tips to deal with it in general? I'm trying to find some answers but I'm afraid it will just have to be a personal thing is how I live my life and regard it's meaning.

In conclusion, I'm slightly freaking out. On the good news, I might be able to hit up VICTORIAAAAAAA next weekend. It's sunny here in Parksville here today too. 


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